The Child Within an Adult

The idea of the “Child within us” refers to the fully realized, dynamic, and creative part of ourselves – our true essence. This Inner Child is assertive, inventive, and embodies the ideal sense of a child in its most mature and perfect form. It requires play, enjoyment of life, and derives pleasure from receiving and giving care, while remaining vulnerable due to its trusting and open nature. It is submissive to itself, others, and the universe, and possesses true power.

This true essence is reminiscent of our unity with others and the universe. It naturally flows from birth to death, passing through all epochs and transitions in between. We need not do anything to become our true essence; it already exists within us. If we allow it to exist, it will manifest itself effortlessly.

When a child is raised improperly or not given the freedom to express themselves, a false Self is created. This false self is also known as the codependent, inauthentic, or social Self

The false Self operates like a smokescreen. It is suppressed, compacted, and fearful. It comprises our egocentric Ego and Superego, constantly planning and working, and often selfish and self-restrained. It can be critical, envious, idealized, accusing, shaming, and striving for perfection. The false Self turns away from our true Self and is focused on how it thinks others want to see it, rather than expressing its true Self. It is overly adaptable, and its love is often conditional. It hides, conceals, or denies feelings and can even create false feelings. It is often more passive or aggressively inappropriate than sufficiently self-assured.

As the false Self has to be constantly vigilant, it sacrifices opportunities to play, teach, be taught, and enjoy. It does not know how to yield, and it is prone to developing subconscious and painful structures. Because it forgets its unity, it often feels separated and lonely.

Shame and low self-esteem play a significant role in suppressing our Inner Child. Growing up in a dysfunctional family with parental supervision problems is often associated with shame and low self-esteem. Shame is a feeling of discomfort or pain that arises when we receive messages from our childhood environment that part of us is defective, bad, incomplete, spoiled, insufficient, or unsuccessful. Our Inner Child feels this shame, and it makes us believe that others can see through our shell into our inadequacy. Shame feels hopeless, and no matter what we do, we cannot fix it.

Another powerful force set in motion due to upbringing in a dysfunctional family is guilt. Guilt is a feeling of discomfort and pain that arises from an act that violates personal standards or values, hurts others, or violates an agreement or law. Thus, guilt concerns our behavior and the unpleasant feelings about what we did or did not do that we should have done. Parents or bosses can cause a sense of guilt, even when the child has not done anything wrong. Guilt can be used as a tool to manipulate and control others.

Guilt, like most emotions, can be useful in managing ourselves and our relationships. Guilt informs us that our consciousness is functioning correctly. People who have never experienced feelings of guilt or remorse after committing wrongdoing often experience difficulties in life and are commonly diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder.

“Healthy” guilt is useful and constructive, while “unhealthy” guilt damages our tranquility, the world in our heads, and our actions. People from unstable homes or environments often exhibit a mixture of healthy and unhealthy guilt. Unhealthy guilt is often uncontrollable or insurmountable and can become psychologically and emotionally crippling at times. Guilt is often easier to recognize and get rid of than shame.

In the role of our false Self, we often feel awkward, overwhelmed, empty, or depressed. We do not feel real, complete, whole, or normal. At one level or another, we sense that something is wrong, something is missing. Paradoxically, many people are afraid to discuss changing this situation.

As a child grows up in an inadequate environment, they learn various coping skills and defense mechanisms to protect their ego and survive. These mechanisms may include hiding, denial, pretending, evasiveness, caring for others, negotiation, and adapting to the situation. While these mechanisms are helpful in a dysfunctional family, they can limit individuals, particularly in the realm of interpersonal relationships. Usually, individuals seek help only when the pain and discomfort have gone too far.

The initial task of a consultant is to assess the extent of dysfunction in the previous environment. In some cases, the environment may be so harmful that the person may emerge with a very fragile ego, requiring the consultant to provide careful and lengthy assistance. In other cases, therapy may be undesirable as it could cause even more harm, especially if psychotic elements are present. However, in most cases, the person seeking treatment will have sufficient ego strength to undertake the healing work. The first step towards healing, going from false to true essence, is to establish a trusting and supportive environment where the client can share their story freely. The primary focus at this stage is to examine the problem and the behaviors associated with it. Working with subpersonalities can be an effective approach at this stage.

Unhealed sorrow is like a deep wound covered with scars, a zone of vulnerability that is always ready to reopen. When we experience loss or trauma, it generates energy that needs to be discharged. If we don’t discharge this energy, it can lead to chronic suffering, manifesting as chronic anxiety, tension, fear, nervousness, anger, sadness, emptiness, incompetence, embarrassment, guilt, shame, numbness, and eventually physical and emotional illnesses.

If we experienced loss or trauma in childhood and did not have the opportunity to cry it out, we may carry these unresolved emotions into our adult life. Therefore, it is crucial for the consultant to provide a safe space for the crying-out process. The consultant must have gone through their crying-out process to some extent to be able to act as an ally and protector of the Inner Child, assisting in its new birth.

Sharp sorrow follows a path of shock, anxiety, and anger, developing into pain and despair and ending on a positive or negative note, depending on the conditions surrounding the loss and the person’s ability to mourn it. These stages can be broken down further into more detailed components:

Stage 1 – Shock, anxiety, and/or denial.

Stage 2 – Acute mourning, consisting of constant, alternating, and diminishing denial: physical and psychological pain and suffering; conflicting impulses, emotions, and urges.

During the acute mourning stage, individuals may exhibit probing behavior, which includes a preoccupation with thoughts of loss, a pathological need to talk about the loss, a pathological need to retrieve what has been lost, and a sense that something should happen. They may also experience aimless wandering, disorientation, a sense of loss, not knowing what to do, inability to start any task, feeling that time has stopped, a sense of imbalance, and a feeling that life will never be worthwhile again. Additionally, they may feel confused and like things are unreal, which can lead to a fear that these experiences indicate mental illness.

As part of this stage, individuals may also experience tears, anger, guilt, and shame, accompanied by a retreat or return to earlier types of behavior and feelings associated with a previous loss or reactions to it.

Stage 3 – Diminishing pain and increasing ability to cope with time: the need to find meaning in the loss, the beginning of thoughts about a new life.

Stage 4 – Reconciliation of loss and mourning. If the outcome is positive, they accept the reality of their loss and regain physical and psychological well-being, experiencing fewer and less intense tears, restored self-esteem, and a focus on the present and future. They are able to enjoy life again and find pleasure in realizing the growth achieved through the experience. If the loss is related to childhood trauma, there may be an opportunity to forgive those who caused the trauma. However, if the outcome is negative, the grieving process remains incomplete, leading to the consequences described above.

When working with a client who is grieving or mourning over childhood trauma, for instance, the consultant should encourage the client to experience their feelings without attempting to change them. Mourning is an active process, and it can be just as painful for the client as for the consultant if the consultant has not healed their own Inner Child to some degree. Therefore, either party may try to stop the process consciously or unconsciously. The consultant should develop their empathy and compassion while avoiding the temptation to save or make life easier for the client. Presence is critical since this is the time when healing occurs on a deep level.

Using various forms of artistic expression, such as free-flow drawing, sculpting, working with clay, and writing a fairy tale, can be quite beneficial for expressing feelings during this stage. “Once upon a time…”

There are several theories of child development that stem from different psychotherapy approaches, including the Freudian school developed by Sigmund Freud, the Kleinian school developed by Melanie Klein, and the Jungian school developed by Carl Jung. While there are differences in terminology and perspective between these schools, there have been efforts to find commonalities between them.

The following is an attempt to present the main concepts of child development that underlie these major schools of thought.

Through numerous scientific studies and projects, we have come to understand that the fetus is responsive not only to its physical surroundings but also to the emotional state of the mother. The mother’s emotional state during pregnancy, whether positive or negative, can impact the intrauterine environment, which can be referred to as either a good or bad state of the womb.

Furthermore, there is an increasing sense of connection between the mother and the fetus during pregnancy. The mother’s focus and priorities shift towards the needs of the child, which can be described as the primary maternal concern.

Childbirth marks the separation of the biological unity between mother and fetus. The primary goal for the mother-infant pair is to transition from this physical unity of the womb to a psychological unity that is just as crucial to life as the biological unity was. This process, known as attachment, enables the mother to intuitively respond to the baby’s needs and feelings.

The child’s identification process starts here. At the beginning, the child does not identify the mother as a person, but rather as a part of themselves. They only later grasp the concept of self and non-self, subject and object.

For the child to begin their individual and real developmental process, the mother must be “good enough” and able to act as more of an adult than a biological mother. The child’s ego is both weak and strong, and the mother’s ability to support the ego is vital to the child’s life. If the mother’s response is inadequate, the child cannot fully form their essence and may be unable to use external reality for validation.

Babies who receive appropriate nurturing and support for their sense of self tend to establish their individuality quickly, with distinct personalities that differentiate them from any other child who has ever existed. On the other hand, babies who don’t receive enough or receive abnormal support for their sense of self often exhibit similar behaviors, such as restlessness, suspicion, apathy, inhibition, and compliance.

During the early stages of development, a good mother can provide her child with support not only physically but also emotionally and psychologically. Adequate support is crucial for the child’s well-being and can only be felt through experiencing it. Insufficient support causes the child to feel excessive tension, leading to a sense of fragmentation, eternal failure, and an inability to use external reality for validation. This can result in various types of anxiety, including what is commonly referred to as psychotic. Care such as lifting, cuddling, and hugging allows the child to form a psychosomatic bond and develop a sense of reality, as opposed to unreality. In contrast, inadequate care hinders the child’s development of muscle tone, coordination, and the ability to enjoy the sensation of their body functioning and existing.

Title: Separation and Individuation in Child Development

In child development, a good mother starts by fully adapting to the needs of her child. As time passes, she gradually adapts less and less, in accordance with the child’s growing ability to cope with this and their own ability to handle the results of disappointments.

If everything goes well, there is a gradual process of transition from complete dependence to relative dependence and independence. The child develops a sense of self, establishes a boundary between themselves and others, and becomes a separate individual. If the environment provides support, the child begins to take sudden risks, initially often looking back to make sure the mother is still there. The anxiety of separation is minimized. However, if separation is forced before the child has had enough time to integrate their surroundings and develop the ability to be independent, excessive anxiety and a sense of “I have to do it myself” may result (premature independence). This can also weaken the child’s natural curiosity, sense of exploration, and sense of adventure, leading to a decrease in creative activity later in life.

If the mother or circumstances cause separation before the child is ready, their sense of wholeness and security is weakened. When the child cannot understand what is happening when the mother is absent, they perceive her as dead. This can happen within minutes or days, depending on the child’s age and stage of development. Until the limit is reached, the mother is still alive, but after the limit is exceeded, she is dead. In the middle is a valuable moment of anger, but it quickly passes or may never be experienced, always carrying the fear of violence. This leads us to two extremes that are so different from each other: the mother’s death when she is here, and her death when she cannot return and therefore become alive again. This applies to the time immediately preceding when the child has the ability to make people alive in their internal psychological reality independently of confirmation of real sight, feeling, and smelling. The only real thing that remains is a rupture, so to speak, death, or absence.

In traditional society, the father’s role was primarily to provide a secure environment for the nursing mother and infant. The father’s direct involvement with the child usually began once the child had passed the infancy stage, and his participation in the early stages of child rearing was generally limited. However, as societal norms change, we are seeing more and more fathers involved in every stage of their child’s development, to the point where they take on maternal responsibilities for varying periods of time.

In our predominantly patriarchal culture, men have historically been afforded more opportunities to develop power, mobility, and strength than women. The archetypal father represents a person’s relationship to power and the ability to be authoritative. Qualities such as decisiveness, courage, and strength are often associated with the idea of a father figure. However, in their negative form, these traits can manifest as moral inflexibility, authoritarianism, and intrusive thoughts or actions. Too much control from a strong father can suppress a child’s independent spirit. An absent or weak father leaves children without protection and stimulation. An overly permissive father may not provide a good guide for life, while a harsh and critical father can cause damage to his offspring’s psychosexual and social development. A “good enough” father creates the conditions for a mother-child pair and brings the surrounding world into this duo.

As the child grows, so does their ability to differentiate between the mother and the father, and the pair becomes a trio. Countless volumes have been written about the interactions within this triangle, with the most famous being the Oedipus complex, as recounted in the myth of Oedipus.