Can you run fast enough to outrun your own life?
"Always on the run"
This is the story of Anne, a 34-year-old woman who heads the sales and marketing division of an international financial holding company. Anne is successful and her team completes several projects and major deals each year, earning her the appreciation of her colleagues and superiors.
The issue that prompted Anne to seek help from a Shadow Coach was her chronic habit of running late and rushing. From an outside perspective, the problem may not appear too serious: Anne is seldom late, and even when she is, it’s usually only by 5-7 minutes at most. However, she always feels the need to run, unable to recall a time when she left early and arrived at her destination in a calm manner. Being accustomed to dealing with difficulties, Anne has endured this trait stoically. She could run even in high heels and climb stairs without worrying that she was sweating or that her laptop bag was heavy. However, there are certain circumstances that can’t be avoided or overcome with sheer effort – her health being one of them. In the past year, Anne has fallen seriously ill twice, including with pneumonia. She has lost weight and has begun to notice that a state of high tension is becoming her norm.
Here is Anne’s brief description of her situation: “I’m constantly running because I’m always late. I either arrive just in time or am late. I’ve tried everything to address this issue. Even if I start getting ready earlier, I always end up in a situation where I’m running late and rushing to get dressed. It’s a daily nightmare where I berate myself for being late again, feel guilty that others will be waiting for me, get embarrassed, and become angry at anyone and anything that slows me down, such as slow drivers or people who prevent me from catching the train before the doors close. I’m depleted of energy, feeling unwell due to this approach, but I keep repeating it over and over again.”
When the facilitators asked, “What would you like to happen? What kind of resolution is important to you?” Anna replied, “To stop running, walk calmly, notice life around me, and not rush past it with my tongue hanging out, save my energy for other things that are important to me…”
Identifying the root cause
The facilitators posed several questions to Anna to help her clarify her request, including “What are you trying to avoid?”, “How do you feel when you’re rushing?”, “What thoughts go through your mind when you’re in this situation?”, and “What does it look like when you’re rushing?” As Anna reflected on these questions, she recalled how adults would always hurry her along when she was a child. “I used to do everything slowly. I ate slowly, got ready for kindergarten at a slow pace, and even delayed my mom while getting ready for school. All the while, I kept hearing people telling me to hurry up: ‘Faster! Faster! You won’t make it! You’re not planning your time correctly! There’s not enough time left! Let’s go faster!'”
Anna’s father was someone who never hurried anywhere. This was largely because he was not involved in the household chores, which allowed him to maintain his own rhythm of life and schedule. He would cynically comment on his wife’s inability to deal with their daughter and celebrated his own success as a parent.
The facilitators then proceeded to fully reconstruct the destructive scenario in order to later transform it. To do so, they started by identifying the underlying messages conveyed by each character involved. These messages were not limited to the literal words spoken to little Anna, but also encompassed the emotions conveyed by them.
Anna was able to relive the painful scenario of her childhood, in which the negative pattern was ingrained. As an adult, she gained access to the feelings experienced by her younger self. She was surprised to find that fear was the main emotion, despite never having mentioned it when recounting her lateness. Shame, guilt, and tension were present, but fear had been pushed into her Shadow. During the session, she realized that the child was primarily afraid of her parents’ arguments and their lack of concern for her. This fear had been displaced from the scene and acted as the ink that “sealed” this psychological envelope.
The essence of the facilitators’ work is to help the client uncover and transform the root cause of their issues, which requires a high level of skill. However, it is challenging to explain the art and magic of this process as it involves accessing a deep layer of emotions and experiences that cannot be fully conveyed through words alone. It’s like trying to retell a play – while the content may be present, the true beauty and power of the experience cannot be fully captured.
Recognizing the inner theatrical play that unfolds within oneself is crucial, but equally important is to find a means of “rewriting” its content to incorporate a new state of being and a changed perspective into one’s life.
Through the process, Anna uncovered the fear of her childhood world collapsing, as her parents were soon to separate, and she made the decision to take it upon herself to save it. This realization shed light on many other traits in herself, such as her tendency to control everything, make decisions for others, and shoulder the weight of responsibility. In her personal relationships, she found it difficult to express herself, her desires, and her preferences.
Upon seeing a little girl being ignored by her parents during the workshop, Anna became aware of her own unsatisfied childhood needs. She realized the futility of her stubborn attempts to keep her parents together and understood that she needed to let go of things. Her initial desire to calmly observe life around her now became a concrete plan. She knew she needed to exit the scene where her parents were arguing, and where she, as a child, was paralyzed by terror.
Working with the Shadow
Fear resided in the shadow of Anna’s life, while on the surface she pretended everything was fine and took it upon herself to handle everything. Her lateness was the “glitch in the system”, the malfunction of her inner controller designed to draw attention to the shadow.
When Anna was able to see her inner reality from an external perspective, including the roles and influences of those involved, the entire scenario’s true nature emerged from her unconscious to her conscious mind. The fear-inhibition-tension model no longer had a hold on her. As an adult, it was crucial for Anna to realize that she now had a choice that was unavailable to her as a child: to act differently despite her parents’ attitudes towards her. As a child, she attempted to please both her father and mother simultaneously, first by inhibiting herself like her father, then by hurrying and tensing up like her mother. Now, she had to find her own way of acting not only in situations like family gatherings but also in terms of her own time and occupation in life.
Anna’s coaching sessions helped her finalize her strategy for change. She started by intentionally creating moments of pause and rest in her busy schedule, giving herself time to reconnect with herself. She filled her calendar with events that allowed her to “notice life around her,” such as leisurely walks, solo trips to exhibits and movies, and time alone with herself. At work, she was able to identify moments when her team was exerting too much effort without visible results, and they focused on two key projects that became breakthroughs for the company.
And yes, Anna was no longer rushing up the stairs, arriving late to meetings. She also reconsidered the format of negotiations and realized that she didn’t need as many meetings as she thought for successful business dealings. Gradually, she became the kind of person who could even have coffee before a meeting. This strategy helped her prepare calmly for important conversations, and she was able to close several significant deals.
Engaging with the shadow enables us to break free from destructive patterns and achieve desired outcomes. This results in a significant release of energy that was previously consumed by repressing the shadow, which can now be directed towards living a fulfilling life.
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